The 47-year-old Hanoian says after 27 years of marriage her family is now “a hollow shell.”
Once childhood sweethearts, she and her husband were each other’s first love. They raised two children, who are now on the cusp of marriage themselves. Having weathered the most challenging years of their marriage together, she was caught off guard when, a few years ago, her husband suddenly lost interest in her. “He told me he no longer felt any desire to be close to me,” she says.
She asked him candidly about her shortcomings, made efforts to change her appearance, exercised to improve her physique, adjusted her style of speaking, and even altered the meals she cooked in an attempt to please him. But nothing worked, and it was all met with indifference.
Over time she became emotionally numb – no longer angry, jealous or affectionate.
Not wanting to disrupt her life or her children’s, and with no desire to start over, she opted against divorce. Instead, she chose to stay in the same house with her husband while not interfering in his life.
Many couples choose to continue cohabiting instead of getting divorced despite being unhappy. Illustration photo by Pexels |
Chu Thi Thanh Huong, a relationship and family consultant based in HCMC, says the phenomenon of couples living together despite losing affection had become increasingly common. In her decade of experience she has encountered many couples who continue to share a home, yet divide financial responsibilities and household and parenting duties.
“They don’t even bother to hide their extramarital relationships,” she says.
For the past decade Dinh Cuong, 48, of HCMC and his wife have regarded each other as mere housemates, agreeing to separate once their children enter university. However, when that time came, they reconsidered things and decided to continue living together just to avoid disrupting their children’s lives or facing judgement from their future in-laws.
By not interfering in each other’s lives, they are free from feeling burdened or annoyed. “We each take care of our own meals and finances,” he says. “Why complicate things with a divorce, court proceedings and dividing assets?”
Cuong’s 25 years of marriage, like many others’, once brought him happiness.
But in 2012 his severe financial losses led to a turning point. His wife, unable to cope with creditors constantly knocking at their door, returned to her parents’ house, leaving Cuong to manage on his own with their children. For two years she only visited their children occasionally. It was not until he paid off his debts all by himself that she came back.
Her lack of support during his hardship left him disillusioned, but for the sake of his children, he chose not to divorce.
A 2016 survey conducted among married individuals aged 18 to 55 in Hanoi and HCMC as part of the “Urban Family Life and Marriage” project found that only 25% of married respondents felt “very happy” in their marriage, while 32% described their relationship as “ordinary, with nothing special.”
“There are many reasons people can give for staying together despite the absence of love,” Huong says. “They may say their children need a family, their work requires a certain public image, or societal expectations demand some appearance of a family.”
Another study by the Institute for Social, Economic, and Environmental Research found that most respondents held traditional views, believing that a family must have both parents and children. As a result many make efforts to keep the family “shell” while its core values like love and respect have been lost.
According to HCMC psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam, who has 20 years of experience in marriage counselling, many people choose to remain in their marriages not just to shield their children from the trauma of divorce but also to secure the financial stability their spouse provides.
Staying married ensures that assets remain intact and are not divided.
She recalls a client, a woman with a doctorate, who chose to remain in a loveless marriage because her wealthy husband promised to buy each of their children a house when they entered university and a car after graduation. Though financially independent, she could not afford to provide her children with such opportunities on her own, and so she stayed.
Experts say living in a superficial marriage, even if it appears normal, often leads to deep-seated fatigue and dissatisfaction for both partners.
Children who witness such dynamics may struggle with depression, lack of motivation in their studies, and an impaired understanding of a true family.
Cuong is weary of enduring a marriage where, at its core, he no longer respects his partner. He yearns to break free and find someone to share the rest of his life with, but he hesitates. He is unwilling to cause his children any social embarrassment from a family breakup, especially since he regrets already burdening them in their youth with financial hardship. “I am constantly torn between staying and leaving,” he says.
Ha feels pangs of sadness when she sees her husband dress up to meet another woman. She often finds herself in tears, sitting alone at the dinner table. Despite finding some solace in shopping and socializing with friends, her life feels incomplete.
Her daughter, having witnessed her parents’ strained marriage, is equally unsettled. She changes boyfriends frequently, afraid that no relationship will last. “Even a love as strong as yours did not go anywhere,” she tells her mother.
Huong suggests that when a marriage loses its emotional core and efforts to rekindle the relationship prove futile, couples should courageously choose a divorce. “A failed marriage or marrying the wrong person is just one of life’s mistakes,” the expert says.
Tam advises couples who want to remain together despite irreconcilable disputes to practice tolerance, forgiveness and acceptance of their partner’s differences. “There is no gift more precious to children than the happiness of their parents.”
She urges couples to find ways to revive their relationship if possible. Despite understanding the compromises of an emotionally void marriage, Ha chose to stay. “My life may not last much longer, but my children’s future needs to be secured,” she says.
*The names in this article have been changed
Comments are closed.