In today’s world, neurodivergence, the cognitive differences in how someone’s brain develops and processes information, has become increasingly recognized, allowing kids who think and learn differently to receive more personalized support.
Stephanie Lindemana licensed therapist who specializes in attachment theory, highlighted in a TikTok the two specific types of support these kids need to truly thrive — and the consequences of not receiving this aid in childhood.
The therapist explained the 2 types of additional support neurodivergent kids need from their parents:
Lindeman recently shared a video highlighting the link between emotional neglect wounds and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
“Emotional needs are broken up into two categories,” she explained. Those categories are “emotional needs around nurturing and emotional needs around structure.”
1. Nurture-based
Some nurture-based emotional needs kids require from their parents include validation, reassurance, showing interest, attention, encouragement, praise, affection, and tolerance for mistakes.
2. Structure-based
Some structure-based emotional needs include adaptable rules, boundaries between parents and kids, consequences, role modeling, predictability, and check-ins.
Lindeman explained that neurodivergent kids need extra support from parents in both of these categories, especially when it comes to their emotional needs surrounding structure and “executive functioning development,” which are the skills that help individuals focus, plan, and regulate their behavior. The therapist provided some examples of this, such as frustration tolerance, task initiation, impulse control, and the ability to assess and prioritize tasks.
“The tricky part of this,” Lindeman added, “is that basically any neurodivergent kid born before 2005 didn’t get enough of both.”
Lindeman highlighted a common mistake parents make with their neurodivergent kids.
She used the example of a parent telling their child to clean their room. A neurotypical kid will most likely be able to sort through their room accordingly, whereas “a neurodivergent kid is going to need some extra help.”
“(A neurodivergent kid) will pick up more sensory information than the neurotypical kid,” Lindeman explained. “Their brain’s going to have more information that is going to need to be sifted through, and to process, and more information that can distract them. They need help, they need a strategy … because they are more prone to having sensory overwhelm.”
She added that neurodivergent individuals often struggle to understand where to begin when it comes to tasks, be it cleaning their room or completing a work-related assignment. They can easily get “sucked into the details” of side projects, causing them to feel overwhelmed.
This behavior begins in childhood, and if parents don’t provide the nurture- and structure-based support neurodivergent kids need to navigate their differences, they’ll only struggle more in the long term.
“(Neurodivergent people) need support, and they didn’t get it,” she said. “Instead, they got a parent who’d come in and character assassinate them, call them lazy, or come up with these crazy theories like, ‘Oh, you didn’t actually want to clean your room, and you’re doing this to punish me as your parent.’”
This negative response to an overwhelmed and ashamed child needing some extra guidance leads to that child growing up and internalizing their struggles.
“What they got was a parent who attacked them,” Lindeman said, “and then they grow up to adults who, when they go to start a task, and they’re struggling, and it’s not working, they then attack themselves.”
The way a parent responds to their child matters.
According to Lindeman, neurodivergent kids who didn’t receive the support they needed from their parents likely grew up with additional cognitive and emotional challenges in adulthood.
Because the parent wasn’t able to validate their child’s experience and approach it from a place of compassion, that child often adopts a negative self-image and self-worth, especially when it comes to completing tasks. These kids were essentially taught to be “their own worst enemy” and may come down on themselves when they experience challenges rather than following a strategy or formula that meets their needs.
Of course, it’s important to acknowledge that many of these parents were likely only doing the best with what they knew at the time, based on the generation they were raised in.
Neurodivergence wasn’t a widely discussed topic decades ago, but as information surrounding cognitive function has become more accessible online, new parents have no excuse. They need to reform their techniques and break the cycle of emotional trauma and neglect to best benefit their children based on their unique needs.
As for the neurodivergent adults who are actively unlearning their self-loathing patterns, Lindeman offered advice in another video to help them “map out” their system of self-attack and identify the unhealthy strategies they may be resorting to so they can change them.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango’s news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.
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