For kids, seeing their parents separate can be painful and incredibly challenging. They likely don’t want their lives to change and often feel forced to pick sides.
One mom on Reddit is going through a separation, and her teen daughters both chose her husband’s side — despite his affair being the cause of the relationship’s end.
The woman’s daughters refuse to see her anymore if she divorces their dad who cheated on her.
“I found out that my husband cheated on me when I was pregnant,” the distressed mom shared on Reddit. “Both times. I only found out three months ago and until then we were a very happy family and my husband is a great dad.”
“Our daughters are 14 and 16,” she continued. “They know the reason we are getting a divorce and that he had two affairs with two women but not all the details. They are opposed to the idea of divorce anyway and they threatened to never see me again if I went through with it because the offense happened so long ago.”
Despite what she was experiencing, the mother sincerely tried to empathize with her daughters.
“I understand that they don’t want change and their lives in upheaval,” she said. “I know all that but I just can’t be with him anymore. I can’t even look at him. Nothing is working. Therapy is not working and they are adamant about never seeing me again. I haven’t seen them in two months.”
The teen daughters will only live with their father.
“We rent a small studio apartment now and we live every other week in the house with the girls and the other lives in the studio apartment,” she explained. “The girls refuse to stay with me at the house during my week, but they stay in the studio with my husband.”
She added that their family therapist has suggested they not change this arrangement, even though she has considered giving her husband and daughters the freedom to use the house all the time.
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“We bought our house (in) 2003 and it has quadrupled in value, so we are going to be able to have two decent homes, even if not as big and beautiful as this one, but it is not like they will be living in bad conditions,” she added.
“Before all this, they were close to both of us and loved us equally,” she continued sadly. “Now they only love him.”
She shared that the girls gave her an ultimatum, but it hasn’t changed her decision. “Last week they made it clear that if I filed for divorce, they will never see me again,” she wrote. “I said I was never going back to him, and they said I made my choice and they will never see me again.”
Children of divorced parents can face myriad difficulties; however, often it is better than the alternative.
An article in World Psychiatry acknowledged that divorce is a hard thing for children to go through.
“Research has documented that parental divorce/separation is associated with an increased risk for child and adolescent adjustment problems, including academic difficulties (e.g., lower grades and school dropout), disruptive behaviors (e.g., conduct and substance abuse problems) and depressed mood,” Brian D’Onofrio and Robert Emery wrote for the publication.
However, research also shows that divorce can be better for children than watching their parents struggle. Pew Research Center found that the majority of people believe that “divorce is painful but preferable to maintaining an unhappy marriage.”
As divorce recovery coach Leah Marie noted, divorce can actually be beneficial for children.
“For starters, now your kids have a chance to get the best version of you, and they won’t be growing up in a home with constant friction or toxicity,” she explained. “You’re also teaching them that sometimes things should just not be tolerated.”
Hopefully, one day, these daughters will understand their mother’s decision and see the empowering example she set by not accepting infidelity and poor treatment from her husband.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer for YourTango who covers entertainment, news and human interest topics.
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