At 50, having been married for 25 years with two children—one working and the other attending university—I’ve often considered divorce. However, my husband’s threats with a knife have forced me to remain in this unhappy marriage.
We are both high school teachers, with his salary being about a third higher than mine. Thanks to our investments in real estate and support from our families, we own a house, a car, and several plots of land.
My husband is family-oriented, committed to his job, adept with his hands, and avoids gambling, drinking, or affairs. I work diligently, love caring for my family, and have a kind heart. Yet, my marriage has not been a happy one. At this stage in my life, I no longer want to settle for an unhappy existence.
My husband is stingy, controlling, and authoritarian. He is rude and harsh, always seeking control at home, yet outside he appears gentle and friendly. He places a high value on money, to the extent that he is reluctant to spend even on his own parents.
He expects me to prioritize his family over mine. If I miss a day visiting his parents, he scolds me, but he has never once checked on my parents in our 25 years of marriage. He shows no love or respect for me, nor does he appreciate what I contribute, frequently accusing me of adding nothing to our home. When I argue for more personal freedom, he verbally abuses me, calling me detrimental to him and our children.
He expects a wife who will blindly follow his commands and has never taken an interest in my hobbies. I like to travel, which he restricts, and he begrudges even the minimal cost I incur. He criticized me for spending VND200,000 on books and dismissed my listening to audiobooks as a waste. He complains about me charging my phone every three or four days and questions why I message colleagues on social media instead of talking at school.
He dictates my clothing and shoe choices during shopping trips, allowing me to buy only what he prefers. He only permits me to visit my family, who live just 50 km away, if he approves beforehand. He never commemorates our children’s birthdays or our wedding anniversary with gifts or flowers and often forgets them entirely. When I am sick, he shows no concern and never suggests getting a thorough examination in Hanoi. Even when I was diagnosed with an ailment at the local hospital, he showed little care for my medication or recovery. I have to conceal any medicine I buy, especially if it’s imported, as he would deem it too expensive.
When we have hotpot, he insists we eat the vegetables before the meat, dampening the meal’s enjoyment. He will even reheat and eat spoiled rice and force our children to eat unpleasantly prepared fish innards, which causes them stomach pains. If our child desires an extra piece of roast pork, they must seek his permission. He has never taken us out for breakfast or to a restaurant, even though he can afford it. When I bring ingredients home to cook something special, he visibly disapproves. He prefers our daily meals to be plain, consisting only of boiled vegetables, soup, and braised pork belly.
Every morning, he begins the day by scolding our child over trivial matters, casting a shadow over our mornings. At night, he broods over things that upset him during the day, which disturbs my sleep. His obsession with collecting junk has cluttered our home, making it feel more like a storage unit than a living space. We have an excessive amount of used items, like cup racks and old electronic devices. He even sold a perfectly functional new induction stove we received as a promotional gift, only to replace it with a malfunctioning one from the junkyard. He refuses to discard anything, believing that all these items will someday be useful.
I feel my quality of life is extremely poor, with our home cluttered from the front gate to the bedroom. Our bedroom is stark and neglected. Our washing machine and blender frequently break down. My phone, an outdated model I bought second-hand for about VND2 million, has been in use for nearly 10 years, and it no longer suits my hobby of photography. When I think about living alone, organizing my space in a neat, minimalist style that suits me, I feel a sense of happiness and am drawn to the idea of divorce. My siblings tell me I’m merely existing, not truly living. My husband’s younger sister even questions why I remain so dependent on him.
I’ve spent more than half my life enduring and resigning myself to this situation, never truly experiencing happiness. This is why I am strongly considering leaving this marriage, yet I still hesitate due to his threats with a knife.
What can I do to free myself from this marriage?
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