A woman approaching her 40s says she’s never had a boyfriend – and is “trying not to panic” as she would like to start a family.
Kristabel Plummer, 37, began feeling the pressure to find a boyfriend after reading teen magazines aged 16.
Throughout her teens and twenties, she feared not having a serious boyfriend would mean she was labeled “weird” – but she found it difficult to make it past a second or third date.
Kristabel says she also experienced racist and problematic comments while dating in her late twenties – which stopped her from going on dates with men she’d meet online.
She previously says she wouldn’t date someone under 5ft 10in – as she is 5ft 6in herself – but has now lowered her wish list in an effort to meet the right man.
Now, she lives alone and despite still going on first dates, Kristabel doesn’t feel any pressure to settle down and start a family.
Kristabel, an influencer, from north London, said: “I am trying to stay positive – there’s lots of women who have kids later, and in their forties – but to make it to a fourth date with someone would be amazing.
“I jokingly say ‘this is a failure’ – but it isn’t, it’s just a part of my story.
“Dating in my late twenties versus now is so different – I used to feel like it was the end of the world if I was ghosted or rejected by someone.
“But now I don’t really cry and I deal with things quite quickly.”
When Kristabel was in her teens, in the late 1990s to early 2000s, she began reading teen magazines like ‘Sugar’ and ‘J-17’.
She says attitudes towards young girls at the time meant she felt the pressure to act more mature than her age and to find a boyfriend.
In reality, she didn’t start “crushing on” boys until she was 16 – and found it hard to meet them, going to an all-girls school in Bromley, greater London.
“You do start to think: ‘This is something I should aim for,’ when you’re 13 and you read those magazines,” Kristabel said.
“I didn’t really know why I was aiming for it though.
“Now, I might want a partner for companionship, or to avoid being lonely, but I wasn’t thinking that as a teenager.”
Kristabel saw a couple of guys casually at the age of 16, but didn’t start going on dates until she was in her twenties.
At the age of 22, in December 2009, she moved to New York for six months, for work.
She wanted the perfect “meet-cute” – but felt disheartened when it didn’t happen.
On one of her last days in the city, she was approached by three separate men – but didn’t feel there was “any point” in pursuing them.
She said: “With my 37-year-old hat on, I probably should’ve gone on dates with them, for the experience.
“But, you don’t really think like that when you’re in your twenties.
“There was a part of me – I know my mum had me at 23 – I thought I’d be like her, with a family of my own by 25.
“But at 25, I’d only just finished studying to be a knitwear designer.”
Kristabel’s next effort at dating was at the age of 27, when she joined dating site OkCupid.
But a number of messages she got from men were “problematic” and “racist” – as well as the conversations which naturally went cold.
She admits she found it hard to pursue men under 6ft, as this was her usual type.
“Sometimes, you’d get really problematic messages,” she said.
“Like: ‘Let’s have mixed-race babies’ or ‘nice wig.’
“I guess a lot of the guys I met weren’t serious.
“I was also quite caught up on wanting a tall guy.
“I do think this may have held me back – I think quite differently now.”
In her thirties, Kristabel began following Instagram accounts like @alittlenudge and @matchmakermaria for dating tips.
She says these accounts put her into a better headspace while navigating the dating scene.
While her criteria has widened, Kristabel also doesn’t want to settle with a man she isn’t attracted to – and says she almost ended up in this situation while in her twenties.
“I’m not pressuring myself to go into dating, hoping to find my life partner,” she said.
“You can’t always tell how things are going to go from the first date – you have to let things grow.
“In the past, though, I’d pick guys, not knowing for sure whether I was attracted to them.
“I might have settled into a few dates with guys I wasn’t necessarily attracted to – I wouldn’t do this now.”
Kristabel’s current “goal” is to reach a third, fourth, or fifth, date with someone.
She finds it tricky to meet someone she can connect with – and says her ideal partner would be empathetic, someone she enjoys spending time with and someone she feels safe and vulnerable with.
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