There’s Something Better Than The Let Them Theory That Gives You More Power Over Your Life
Most people are probably quite familiar with Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” theory, which is basically meant to help people reclaim their power by completely letting go of the need to manage other people’s actions, feelings, and opinions.
Robbins, a podcast host and personal growth expert, has profited immensely from the popularity of the “Let Them” theory, but a licensed therapist named Jeffrey Meltzer has suggested that there might be something even better than Robbins’ theory to help people have more control over their lives.
In a TikTok video, Meltzer acknowledged the popularity of the “Let Them” theory but stressed that it’s not the only piece of advice for letting go of other people’s drama to build better relationships and habits in your own life.
There’s something even better than the ‘Let Them’ theory that gives you more power over your life.
“Now, the ‘Let Them’ theory is popular for a reason. It’s a nicely packaged way of saying, ‘let go of what you cannot control,’ especially in relationships,” Meltzer said. “Let them do their thing, and you respond in whatever way protects your peace. It’s a nice message, but I want to build on that and give you something that goes a bit deeper.”
Meltzer explained that it comes from Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, created by Dr. Albert Ellis, and that one of the core ideas in that therapeutic modality is that we place many demands on other people, the world, and even ourselves. We use words like “must, have to, need to,” and “should.”
However, those demands end up causing a lot of psychological suffering. Metlzer gave an example, saying that if you believe other people must respect you and they don’t, you’re going to suffer because you’ve tied your entire mood to their behavior.
The therapist suggested replacing demanding statements with strong, preferential statements.
“Instead of saying, ‘Other people must respect me,’ you would say, ‘I would really like for people to be respectful, but they don’t have to because I can’t force anyone to be respectful,'” Meltzer continued. “When you do this, you’re accepting reality while creating a healthier expectation.”
Now, your peace doesn’t have to purely rely on someone else’s actions. You can also set a boundary that you would like people to be more respectful toward you, but if they don’t, you’ll limit your interactions with them. You’re learning how to express a preference and accept what you can, while still making sure you’re protecting your peace at the end of it all.
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This isn’t just something that applies to relationships; it can also apply to life itself. For example, you might say that you want life to be fair, but it also doesn’t have to be because there’s no universal law that says it must. When you think about it that way, you can still strive for fairness without tying your happiness to it entirely.
“Both things can be true. You can want and strive for fairness while accepting that life won’t always give it. So, the main point is this: When you shift from demands to strong preferences, you stop outsourcing your peace.”
You’re simply refusing to hinge your own happiness on someone else’s behavior or on the world operating in the way that, while it should, it doesn’t. It’s the “Let Them” theory, but with a much deeper layer attached to it. Being more intentional and recognizing that you can’t force people to act a certain way, no matter how much you might want to, can turn out to be more beneficial for your long-term peace and happiness.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
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