People need warmth and affection to thrive, but for the love-deprived, receiving even basic kindness from others can be difficult. This is simply because they don’t know how to receive the emotions they crave and deserve.
All it could take is a simple compliment or receiving a warm smile to reveal someone’s unmet need for affection. Love deprivation doesn’t always look like grand trauma or experiencing a tragic heartbreak. Sometimes, it’s just an inability to receive kindness and know they deserve it. If you suspect someone has been deprived of love, be on the lookout for specific signs that will show up when you are kind to them.
You can tell someone’s been deprived of love if they do these 5 specific things when you’re nice to them:
1. They don’t know how to receive kindness
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When you’re kind to anyone deprived of love, rather than blossoming under the emotion as they should, they retreat. They may respond with a joke or just deflect the gesture altogether. They may even question the motives of the person offering kindness. Being on the receiving end of care can feel quite uncomfortable for them.
“To take in comfort or affection, you must lower your defenses. This would make you vulnerable to getting hurt — something you have learned to reflexively avoid, especially if you have an anxious or insecure attachment style,” explained licensed psychologist Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D.
These individuals may feel a lot better giving than receiving. It’s safer, and they feel like they’re in control. Their nervous systems aren’t used to affection, which can leave them feeling confused and overwhelmed whenever it shows up.
2. They recoil from praise
When someone who was deprived of love receives praise, they immediately recoil out of discomfort. Praise can sometimes feel exposing to these individuals rather than encouraging. It’s because they were raised under the belief that any kind of love and praise came at a cost.
Beneficial childhood praise isn’t about traits, however. Praise that impacts a sense of self is about effort and actions. When kids don’t hear that their loved ones are proud of them for trying their hardest to accomplish a goal, regardless of the outcome, they become adults who struggle to receive similar feedback.
Accepting it in their adulthood makes them feel like they need to do something to be worthy of it in the first place. When someone says something kind to them, it can clash with what they wished to hear when they were younger. When you’re not used to being lifted up, vulnerability can feel hard, and accepting praise requires it.
3. They are overly thankful even when they shouldn’t be
For the love-deprived, over-thanking is their way of shrinking themselves down. These individuals will offer a “thank you” for even the most basic of things, like giving them a ride somewhere, leaving them a kind note, or just doing some small act of service. Care feels like a bill to them. They feel forced to race to settle the count before you pull back your love the way others once did.
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Author and communication expert Jeanne Martinet explained that excessive thanking causes an imbalance of power in relationships, and it’s done because the person offering gratitude is trying to make themselves less than the person who did them a kindness.
If they grew up feeling like a burden, any form of help triggers that guilt. Even basic decency can feel like something they need to repay others for. Those who didn’t receive love when they were young don’t even realize they’re acting this way. To them, everyone feels the way they do, so in their minds, constant gratitude is normal and expected.
4. They over-justify their behavior
The second they make a simple mistake, they’ll launch into long explanations of why it happened and that it wasn’t intentional. This behavior usually comes from their fear of judgment and rejection.
“Over-explaining often stems from trauma, anxiety, or people-pleasing habits,” explained licensed mental health counselor Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D. “Boundaries lose power when we justify them — clarity is stronger than explanation.”
If love or approval was conditional in their past, they learned that even the smallest misstep can lead to criticism. Over-justifying their reasoning and decisions becomes the way they learned to survive. It was their way to prove that they’re responsible and worthy of staying in people’s good graces.
5. They apologize for no reason
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People who have been deprived of love tend to apologize not because they’ve actually done something wrong, but because they did the exact opposite. Their reaction comes from growing up in an environment where their needs were most likely ignored and even minimized.
“When you over-apologize, your brain hears it too. Over time, saying ‘sorry’ turns into feeling sorry all the time. You begin to believe that your presence is a burden. That belief can damage your confidence and self-worth,” insisted clinical professional counselor Millie Huckabee, LCPC.
So, they learned early on that wanting anything was dangerous to their well-being. Wanting something meant asking for attention, and that attention was always negative. They felt it was better to just keep all of their desires inside and even apologize for saying them out loud if they dared to.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
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