Sneaking out, screaming matches over messy bedrooms, and sobbing over broken hearts is the playbook for the teenage girl experience. It can also be a test of many mother-daughter relationships.
Teens are known for fighting more frequently with their parents, as a result of them reaching new levels of independence and finding out who they truly are. That doesn’t make the arguments feel any easier in the moment, though. One mom had a theory about teen girls and their moms that might offer some hope for women struggling to find common ground with their puberty-stricken daughters.
When teenage girls are ‘nasty’ to their mothers, it’s actually a sign of a secure relationship.
Mom Sarah Biggers-Stewart shared her perspective on the fights that seem to never end between teen girls and their moms. Although she didn’t have any hard evidence, she felt like she could make a strong “anecdotal” argument that “100% of the women I know who were terrible to their moms as teenagers did so because they were super close with them.”
“They felt completely safe,” Biggers-Stewart continued. “They knew that they could let out all their insecurities, frustrations, and hormones on their mom. And now, as adults, they’re all super close compared to my friends who did not have that dynamic with their parents.”
Teenagers are feeling a lot of new emotions for the first time, especially when they’re exacerbated by hormonal changes. They struggle to understand and regulate these big feelings that often bubble up as anger and frustration, resulting in conflict with the people closest to them.
That might be hard for loved ones to remember in the middle of a screaming match, but it’s true that we always hurt the ones we love the most. As Biggers-Stewart recalled from her own teen years, “When I was 14-to-17-years-old, I switched between adoring my mom and being SO MEAN to her at the drop of a hat. It’s because she was my safe space.”
Teen girls who feel secure in their relationships with their mothers know that bickering isn’t going to change their bond.
“It doesn’t have to be that serious,” Biggers-Stewart insisted. She shared a friend’s experience as an example. “I’m thinking about a co-worker … She admitted she ‘never had that desire [to fight with her mom]’ because they weren’t close enough for it to happen,” she said. “And probably for that same reason, she added that she’s not super close with her parents now.”
Maybe the hope for parents struggling with mean teens is the knowledge that their child feels completely safe with them, and that will translate into a strong bond as adults. This could provide some comfort during a time when cases of parents being estranged from their adult children are on the rise.
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Biggers-Stewart added that she sees a lot of judgment surrounding the relationships moms have with their teen daughters, and she thinks that’s unfair, given how close they might actually be despite lots of bickering. Having that safe space to feel, experience, and share your emotions as a teenager can truly craft your identity before you enter adulthood, compared to those who were sheltered, disciplined, and condemned for taking one step out of line at home.
While each situation is unique, and circumstances that Biggers-Stewart compared to World War 3 aren’t always the healthiest means of communicating with teens, it’s interesting that many of these relationships have blossomed into some of the healthier ones just five to 10 years down the road.
Teenagers need somewhere they can unload their complex feelings, which often means parents bear the brunt.
Even though anger looks concerning because of how it’s expressed, clinical psychologist Lauren Allerhand, PsyD, confirmed it’s a totally normal emotion. The best thing parents can do is validate their kids’ feelings, even if they seem a bit over-the-top.
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Several people shared how their moms’ level-headed reactions in these moments helped them maintain a good relationship in the comments. Some admitted their mothers still hold resentment, but others said they’re making “espresso martinis, watching ‘Bridgerton,’ and reminiscing” about arguments from their teenage days.
Raising a teenager and being a teenager are equally complex, and no two families are the same. If teenage daughters and their moms can focus on the love they share, their connection is likely to last for a lifetime.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
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