“You did such a good job!” a parent says after seeing their child’s drawing. The child smiles for a moment and then starts talking about a cartoon or asks what is for dinner. Another child receives praise for a school performance but quickly shifts the conversation to something that went wrong that day.
For parents, such reactions can be confusing. They offer praise to make their children feel appreciated, so why do some children seem eager to move on?
There is no single explanation. Some children feel shy when attention turns towards them, while others may not know how to respond to a compliment. Some simply prefer not to make a big deal out of their achievements. In certain cases, their reactions may also reflect how they have learned to understand praise, expectations and other people’s opinions.
1. Praise Can Make Some Children Feel Uncomfortable
Adults often see compliments as a simple way to encourage children. However, children may interpret praise in different ways.
A compliment can make a child feel appreciated, but it can also make them feel as though everyone is watching them. They may become self-conscious, feel embarrassed or struggle to find the right words to respond.
Research published in 2002 examined how praise can influence children’s motivation. The findings suggested that its effects depend on how the praise is delivered and interpreted. Encouragement is more likely to be helpful when it feels sincere, supports a child’s sense of competence and avoids unnecessary comparisons with others.
This means that a child changing the subject does not necessarily dislike praise. They may simply prefer receiving it in a quieter, less noticeable way.
2. Compliments Can Sometimes Create Pressure to Perform
Imagine a child who wins a school competition. Family members celebrate the achievement, relatives offer congratulations and parents repeatedly describe the child as exceptionally talented.
Although the attention may come from a place of love, the child might begin to feel pressure to achieve the same success again.
A 2017 study involving 120 parent-child pairs in the Netherlands examined the effects of inflated praise among children aged seven to 11. Researchers found that exaggerated praise predicted lower self-esteem over time. It was also associated with higher narcissism among children who already had high self-esteem.
The findings do not mean that praise is harmful or that children who change the subject necessarily feel pressured. Instead, they highlight the importance of offering encouragement that is proportionate and specific.
For example, telling a child, “You are the smartest child in the class,” makes a broad statement about their abilities. Saying, “You worked hard to understand that problem,” recognises a particular action.
The second approach can help children understand that effort and learning matter, even when they do not achieve the best result.
3. Some Children Find It Difficult to Accept Compliments
Children gradually learn how to respond to praise through their interactions with parents, teachers and other people.
Some may worry that accepting a compliment will make them appear boastful. Others may have learned that modesty means playing down their achievements.
As a result, a child might laugh, deny the compliment or immediately change the subject rather than say thank you.
A study published in 2000 explored how children aged six to 10 responded to praise in hypothetical situations. The researchers found that older children, particularly those aged eight and above, showed a preference for modest responses and considered how other people might judge someone’s behaviour.
This suggests that children’s reactions to compliments can be influenced by their developing understanding of social expectations.
However, not every child who avoids praise is uncomfortable with confidence or worried about appearing boastful. Some may simply be unsure what to say.
4. Children May Prefer Quiet Appreciation Over Public Attention
Not every child enjoys being the centre of attention. While some love receiving applause and discussing their achievements, others prefer to keep such moments private.
A child who changes the subject after receiving praise may be trying to return to a conversation that feels more comfortable. This behaviour, by itself, does not indicate low confidence or poor self-esteem.
Parents can help by recognising that children have different temperaments. A child does not need to react enthusiastically to every compliment to appreciate the encouragement behind it.
Instead of expecting a particular response, parents can offer praise naturally and allow the child to decide how to react.
5. How Parents Can Make Praise More Comfortable
If your child regularly changes the subject after receiving compliments, there is usually no need to insist that they acknowledge the praise or explain their reaction immediately.
Here are a few ways to make encouragement feel more natural:
- Be specific: Instead of saying, “You are brilliant at everything,” try, “I noticed how carefully you worked on that drawing.”
- Avoid exaggerated praise: Recognise achievements without making sweeping statements about a child’s abilities or future success.
- Focus on effort and learning: Acknowledge persistence, curiosity, improvement and problem-solving rather than only results.
- Respect their response: If your child changes the subject, you can follow the conversation without turning the moment into a lesson about accepting compliments.
- Ask gentle questions when appropriate: In a relaxed moment, you might ask, “Do you feel awkward when people praise you, or would you prefer they didn’t make such a big deal out of it?”
The aim is not to teach children to perform gratitude in a particular way. It is to help them feel secure enough to receive encouragement without feeling pressured to respond perfectly.
When Should Parents Be Concerned?
Changing the subject after a compliment is not, on its own, a warning sign. Children may do it because they are shy, distracted or simply ready to talk about something else.
Parents should pay more attention to the wider pattern. If a child frequently puts themselves down, appears deeply distressed by positive attention, becomes unusually anxious about making mistakes or seems persistently afraid of disappointing others, it may be worth exploring what is troubling them.
A calm, supportive conversation can help parents understand the child’s feelings without making assumptions about their behaviour.
Ultimately, children do not all experience praise in the same way. Some enjoy openly celebrating their achievements, while others prefer quieter recognition. By offering sincere encouragement, respecting individual differences and avoiding unnecessary pressure, parents can help children develop a healthier relationship with achievement and self-worth.