In retrospect, it’s so obvious that I was autistic when I was a kid. But because I was a little girl in the 70s and 80s, no one picked up on the fact; they just called me weird and intense and emotional and too sensitive, among other unpleasant things.
Four years ago, I was diagnosed just a couple of months after my 49th birthday, and a lot of the questions in the assessment I took had to do with my childhood: did I have peculiar niche interests? What were some things that had always challenged me? What had I excelled at?
I hadn’t known what to expect of the assessment, but I suppose I passed (or failed, depending on how you look at it) because I was diagnosed based on my answers to the psychiatrist’s questions. Now I know that to be determined autistic, “symptoms must be present in the early developmental period.” (Criterion C from the DSM-5) All of my symptoms had been.
Like a lot of newly diagnosed people do, I dove into autism as a special interest and began to discover how much I had to (un)learn; for instance, I hadn’t known about the diagnostic bias in favor of boys. Prior to my diagnosis, I had believed the stereotype of autism as a “boy thing.” An oft-cited statistic states that historically, for every four boys diagnosed, only one girl is. But another study tells us that up to 80% of autistic girls are not diagnosed before they’re 18. Clearly, the former statistic needs some adjusting, as autistic girls have always been around; we just weren’t being diagnosed (it’s beyond my scope here, but if you’re interested in the history of the “it’s a boy thing” bias, I recommend Gina Rippon’s book Off the Spectrum).
Here are just seven of my childhood traits and behaviors that I now understand were great big clues that I was autistic — and that might lead to an early diagnosis if I were growing up today. Where applicable, I’ve included the “Diagnostic Criterion” from the DSM-5 that matches the trait/behavior.
Here are the 7 clues I was autistic as a kid that were missed because it was the ’80s:
1. I had a ‘spiky profile’
Despite the stereotype that autistic people excel at math, it’s actually more common for us to be hyperlexic (extremely early readers) and struggle with dyscalculia (a disorder that makes math concepts difficult). My earliest memories are of trying desperately to learn to read and write when I was three. Once I got the hang of it, I was obsessed with books, and have been since.
Math, though, was always difficult for me. I could add and subtract, but once we got into multiplication and division, I started having trouble, and higher math was utterly beyond me, no matter how hard I tried. In second grade, I was reading at a high school level but struggling with grade-level math — I had what’s known as a “spiky profile,” meaning I was far above average in some areas, but way below in others, and it’s very characteristic of autism.
2. I had intense special interests
Janosch Diggelmann / Unsplash
Criterion B: restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities
Monotropism is the tendency to focus attention on a small or singular number of special interests at any time, and it’s one of the primary early signs of autism. It’s what’s behind the stereotype of the autistic boy who’s obsessed with trains, and it’s paradoxically what has historically kept lots of girls from being diagnosed.
For decades, only “boys’ interests” (trains, science fiction, dinosaurs, etc.) were considered valid indicators of autism, while “girls’ interests” (usually something to do with animals or people) were dismissed. I’ve always had special interests that were so intense as to be off-putting to others around me. Some of my early obsessions were horses, Little House on the Prairie, and the British Royal family — all of which were “too girly” to be considered signs of autism.
3. I was depressed
Depression is extremely common in autistic individuals, and it often starts early. Compared to the general population, autistic individuals have a significantly higher risk for anxiety (around 70%) and depression (up to four times more likely).
Recent studies have shown that profound depression and suicidal ideation often begin in autistic children as young as seven, and that’s about when mine started. When I was in elementary school, I began to miss classes because I just couldn’t stop crying, and I eventually dropped out of high school because of my crippling depression and anxiety.
4. I had physical difficulties
A lot of people don’t realize that there are a host of physical difficulties that are comorbid with autism — I didn’t until autism became one of my special interests after I was diagnosed. Most prominent (and earliest) for me was hyperhidrosis, a disorder that causes extreme sweating, particularly in the hands and feet, and it was present in me even as a newborn.
A little later, my “clumsiness” became apparent — I was struggling with dyspraxia (Developmental Coordination Disorder), which manifests in motor skill difficulties and sensory issues and impacts up to half of autistic individuals. And then when I was eight years old, I suddenly had the body of a college girl. Although it hadn’t been discovered yet when I was a kid in the 80s, studies have since found that autistic girls often start puberty significantly earlier than their non-autistic peers, making it another early indicator of my autism.
5. I was very socially awkward
Karolina Grabowska www.kaboompics.com / Pexels
Criterion A: persistent deficits in reciprocal social communication and social interaction
Being socially awkward is one of the hallmarks of autism, and given what you’ve learned about me thus far (the sweatiness, the depression, the niche obsessions, the clumsiness, etc.), it probably won’t surprise you to learn that I was an extremely socially awkward child.
I didn’t have the childish drive to play, or at least not to play like (and with) other kids. I wanted to read and do quiet, solo things. I found other kids unbearably loud and boisterous, and I generally didn’t know what to say to them. My social skills haven’t really improved much since then, but now that I know what’s behind my awkwardness, I’m able to give myself more grace.
6. I was extremely attached to my mom
My relationship with my mother has always been at the core of my worldand I loathed being away from her for any length of time when I was a little kid (honestly, I still don’t like to be away from her). The phenomenon of having a “Favorite Person” is highly correlated with autism, and it makes sense.
It’s been shown that neurotypical people don’t generally like autistic people, and combined with the factors I’ve discussed above, it can all make for a very isolated existence. If there’s one person who values you and cares for you, it stands to reason that that person would play an outsized role in your life.
7. I preferred to be around adults
I think I got along better with adults when I was a little kid than I do now, and that’s pretty typical of autistic kids. I didn’t know how to deal with other kids, and I didn’t have much in common with them.
Grown-ups were amused by my large vocabulary and my dry wit, both of which were lost on my peers. I liked that adults weren’t inclined to jump up and run around screaming, something I always found disconcerting about kids. I was the classic “little professor” described by Hans Asperger in the 40s (although his little professors were all boys).
Even though my diagnosis came late, I’m grateful for it; without it, I probably would have continued to be mired in self-hatred (which I still struggle with). But I can’t help but wonder how things would have been different if I’d been diagnosed as a child. I’m encouraged by the fact that more girls are being diagnosed now than ever.
Like distant stars before the era of the high-powered telescope, we were there all along. They just couldn’t see us for what we are.
Leah Welborn is a late-realized autistic woman who lives in Colorado. She’s had articles featured in Mental Floss, Medium, Bust, and Inked (among many others), and is writing a memoir about her often messy neurodivergent life.
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