Everyone hopes they’ll be able to find a relationship that stands the test of time. While that isn’t the reality for every couple, there are couples out there who have somehow managed to make their marriages work for years and years.
Several of those couples had the chance to renew their vows recently at Teal Shores Senior Living in Mequon, Wisconsin. Local news station KSL reported that the couples who participated shared a combined 360 years of marriage and commitment between them. Naturally, people wanted to know what their secrets were to staying together so long.
Two men who have been married for decades said that saying ‘yes’ is the secret to a long, happy marriage.
David Nedbeck, who has been married to his wife Riki for 55 years, shared that the way to stay happily married over a long period of time was surprisingly simple. “People have said this before, but ‘yes, dear’ is one of the secrets,” he stated. “Sharing together, it’s not one person to do any particular job, you know, it’s a partnership.”
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Another vow renewal participant, Bruce Melac, offered similar sentiments. Melac, who has been married to his wife Rosemary for 65 years, said, “The secret is to have a great wife. That’s the biggest secret, and then learn to say yes all the time.”
Malec offered additional advice to help couples get through the rough spots. “When things get tough, you start thinking about all the tough times,” he said. “Try to take a break and think of the good times and realize that, hey, this is all worthwhile, because look what I’ve got.”
Experts agree that saying ‘yes’ is good advice for a happy marriage.
Licensed mental health counselor and Certified Gottman Therapist Zach Brittle explained how saying “yes” fits into legendary relationship expert John Gottman’s framework for a happy marriage. Gottman developed a concept called the Sound Relationship House, which basically uses a stable home as a symbol for a healthy relationship. Brittle said that yes is “not just the walls of the house,” but also “the DNA of the entire structure.”
“An abundance of yes leads to the Positive Perspective, which is essential for thriving relationships,” he added. “When the relationship has a surplus of positive energy, partners are better equipped to face the harder questions that inevitably come up.”
Marriage therapist Amy Langford of Langford Life Coaching was on the same page, although she said saying no could be just as valuable. “A healthy marriage needs that freedom — the freedom for each person to say ‘yes’ and ‘no,’” she explained. “This freedom creates space for two whole, complete people to coexist, making the relationship more vibrant and alive.”
This doesn’t mean every question has to be answered with a yes, though.
Of course, it’s impossible to answer every single question you’re asked with a yes, even if it’s coming from the person you love most. Writing for Psych Central, Sarah Newman, MA, MFA, said that constantly saying yes could actually be a sign that you don’t have healthy boundaries in place. She shared, “A true yes — a yes that is in line with your values and best interest — you feel with your whole body. It’s easy. There is no doubt. There is no worry.”
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Always saying yes could also mean you’re a people-pleaser, which comes with its own set of problems. In an article for Psychology Today, clinical psychologist Sherry Pagoto, PhD, said that it’s common for people pleasers to neglect themselves, resent others, feel stressed and depressed, be taken advantage of, and experience less enjoyment in their lives.
Not looking for trouble may seem like a good thing, but we also know that arguing with your spouse in a healthy way can be beneficial. Nedbeck and Melac may think that saying yes was what made their marriages happy, but it’s highly unlikely that they truly always said yes. You shouldn’t lose your sense of self just so you always agree with your spouse.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
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