If A Kid Doesn’t Listen To Their Parents By Thirteen, Therapist Says It’s Probably Too Late
While children are naturally going to push their parents’ boundaries, the way moms and dads respond in those early years can actually shape behavioral patterns further down the line. According to therapist Ruth Han, parents need to do the real heavy lifting before 13 or else it’s going to be next to impossible to change things.
Parenting doesn’t exactly come with a fail-safe manual instructing parents how each year is going to go. What experts and seasoned moms and dads know, however, is that every single stage, from toddlerhood to the tween years, comes with a bunch of new challenges that are anything but easy. Those early years set the stage for the teen years and give parents the best shot at becoming a sounding board for young adults rather than just an obstacle to avoid.
If a kid doesn’t listen to their parents by 13, it’s probably too late to change things.
“All of the easy work of parenting, it has to end by the age of thirteen,” Han shared in a TikTok video. “The teaching, the lecturing, the passing on of values, morals, manners, the worldview that you want to share with and pass on to your kids. That has to be done by age thirteen.”
Parenting becomes more about coaching and listening once a child reaches the teen years.
Han explained that after thirteen, parenting becomes more about coaching, encouraging, listening, changing, negotiating, and letting go. She admitted she often gets questions from parents about how to get their kids to do something.
Her answer is simple. It’s probably too late. If your teenager is being unruly, disrespectful, and not listening to you, it’s probably because they don’t feel they’re being heard. And the time to actually teach them something valuable has long passed, as Han pointed out, it should’ve happened during their earlier years.
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“At this point, them listening to you is going to be based on the relationship that you’ve already built with them during the younger years and the things that you’ve already taught them,” Han continued. “They should be able to hear your voice and know what you already think about something while they’re going through it or when they see it.”
The teenage years are about learning independence.
Han emphasized that if parents really want to mold their kids’ behavior, it has to happen during the time when they’re young. The teen years are when kids take all that they’ve learned when they were younger and apply it. It doesn’t mean that teenagers aren’t in a position to learn more lessons from their parents, however.
But it means that the foundation has already been laid by that point. The teenage years aren’t usually when values are first introduced. Attempts to try to control kids once they’ve passed 13 only pushes them away.
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“So, particularly in caring relationships, like in a family, adequate verbal sharing and listening keep people feeling closely connected, current with what is going on. Maintaining this sense of connection is increasingly important between parent and teenager as the process of adolescence gradually grows them apart for more independence, which it is meant to do,” explained psychologist Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D.
Listening, as Han put it, means just being there. It means not immediately judging or giving advice. The one thing teenagers need from their parents more than anything else is to be understood and to know they have someone in their corner to back them up as they become adults.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
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