I am 23 years old and have been married for just over a year. My husband is Vietnamese, 10 years older and lives in Germany. He has a 12-year-old child from a previous relationship. We were introduced through my cousin, who also lives there, when I was in my final year of university.
We were in a long-distance relationship for about a year before he returned to Vietnam to marry me. Two months later, he brought me to Germany to settle. He runs a small restaurant and the work is very demanding. I wanted to help him but conflicts soon arose.
Pressure from in-laws can cause rifts in a marriage. Illustration photo by Unsplash |
My husband’s sister, 42, lives upstairs and works at the restaurant with my husband. The main source of tension is not my husband’s child but his family.
From our first meeting, my husband’s family did not have a good impression of me. They said I was much younger than my husband and did not have a stable job because I was still studying. They also said I was clumsy with housework like cooking and cleaning.
At that time, as a girlfriend visiting, they were polite but did not truly accept me. My sister-in-law openly opposed the marriage, saying that my husband should not marry a young wife who would live off the family and be useless for life.
I ignored the hostility because I believed we were together for love. When I became their daughter-in-law, I was scrutinized even more, which further worsened their view of me. After I moved to Germany to live with my husband, tensions escalated.
I admit I was not tactful in how I dealt with my sister-in-law and kept limited contact with her. Since my in-laws had already disliked me, she frequently criticized me over work and daily routines. Over time, my resentment grew and I avoided her.
One evening, feeling distressed, I went out and returned late. My husband scolded me, and my sister-in-law called their parents to talk badly about me. I apologized to both my husband and her but was still verbally abused. My mother-in-law later called to list my shortcomings and accused me of money problems. I felt that I was wronged but did not argue.
On another occasion, I woke up late for work and was scolded again by my sister-in-law. When my husband defended me, my sister-in-law responded with harsher insults. I stayed in my room and refused to go out while my husband brought me food.
I had become pregnant shortly after arriving in Germany and am now nearly three months along. My sister-in-law continued to complain to my parents-in-law and they called to scold me. Again, I chose not to respond. My father-in-law then contacted my parents in Vietnam to reprimand me. My father came to my side and said I had been insulted. Although my father-in-law later criticized his daughter, she denied wrongdoing and continued to insult me. My husband intervened and decided we should live separately from his sister.
His parents were shocked by the decision. My father-in-law suffered a heart episode and fell ill. My husband’s family turned on me, refused to accept me as their daughter-in-law, and accused me of destroying the family. They demanded that I accept all blame and pressured me to have my parents apologize. My family refused, and I could not admit to faults I did not commit.
My husband was accused of siding with his wife against his family. I know I have my shortcomings but they stem from immaturity, clumsiness and a lack of tact. I did not fabricate stories or do the bad things my sister-in-law accused me of. I apologized to my mother-in-law out of fear it would affect my husband, despite the continued insults.
My husband still loves me and, if he cannot persuade his parents, plans to move out with me despite their opposition. His family, however, wants us to divorce, for me to return to Vietnam, or for us to humble ourselves and apologize. Otherwise, they will not accept me. I love my husband but fear living in Germany without his family’s support and worry they may use illness to pressure him. My parents want me to return home. I have much to lose if I go back because I still love my husband. I am uncertain whether to stay or return to Vietnam to start over.
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