Marriage tends to shift people’s focus away from their families of origin and toward the family they’re building with their partner.
Whether a couple chooses to spend time with their parents and in-laws is up to them, but one religious leader thinks that they shouldn’t feel obligated to do so, and went so far as to urge couples to stop feeling responsible for their extended families all together.
A pastor urged married couples to stop feeling responsible for their parents.
“The moment you say ‘I do,’ you have no more responsibility between you and your parents,” the pastor stated. “The Bible says, when you get married, leave, cleave, become one.”
“Leave who? Mother and father,” he said, reiterating his belief that couples aren’t responsible for their parents once they get married.
He then gave an example of someone saying, “But my mom wants me to come home for holidays.”
“I don’t care what she wants,” he said. “You’re not responsible for meeting her wants.”
Even if that mom gets angry, the pastor believes, “You’re not responsible for her anger,” as her anger is “in her circle.”
“Can you choose to go home?” he asked. “Absolutely. But if you make her responsible for your choices, what are you giving her? Authority and power to control you.”
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The pastor isn’t wrong in his thinking. We’re not responsible for how people react to our actions, nor can we control anyone else’s response to what we do.
Just because the mom in his imagined scenario is upset with her adult child’s decision doesn’t mean they have to bend to her will.
An issue with his argument, however, is that it frames married couples as more deserving of boundaries than their adult, single counterparts.
Even if a person isn’t married, they shouldn’t be required to be responsible for their parents, either.
Setting boundaries, especially around holidays, particularly with your parents, can be a difficult task, which is why so many therapists and coaches share various ways to do so.
Author and podcast host Mel Robbins shared her perspective on how to navigate difficult emotions when setting boundaries.
“If you feel guilty setting boundaries, particularly with your parents, I’ve got three simple things that are going to help you,” Robbins said.
“Let’s say it’s a holiday weekend, your parents thought you were coming home, you’re on the phone with them, and you tell them, ‘No, I’m going away with my friends,’” she described. “You hear the silence, you hear the tone shift, immediately you feel that wave of guilt.”
Robbins acknowledged that it’s normal to feel guilty about setting boundaries with parents, “because there’s always an imbalance in a parent-child relationship, and guilt’s probably been a part of it for a long time.” Yet, that guilt doesn’t mean you should give up on setting boundaries.
First, she advised people who feel guilty to recognize the feelings they’re having inside.
Her next piece of advice was to “Feel empathy for your parents because that guilt is just love and disappointment expressed in an unhelpful way.”
“This is where you become an adult in your life,” she said. “You use ‘yes, and.’” For example, “YesI know you’re disappointed, and I’m still gonna go away this weekend with my friends, and let’s find another weekend where I’m gonna come home and see you.”
“That’s the way you can take your power back as an adult in your life,” she concluded.
The pastor’s messaging is on the right track, yet opening his belief up to include everyone, not just married people, is a fairer way to frame the issue. Single adults deserve to have their boundaries held, too, not just married couples.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango’s news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
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