There’s a pretty good chance that, at one point or another, you’ve been strung along by a man who sees you as a pretty nice option, but not anywhere near a priority. It’s so tempting to think that one day, he will turn around and put you above everyone else, and it will somehow morph into a perfect relationship. But that’s just not reality.
Making sure the person you’re in a relationship with knows they’re your top priority isn’t exactly difficult, especially when you truly love them. All it comes down to is taking time to give them your full attention so you can connect, and it doesn’t have to take hours. Still, a lot of guys just aren’t willing to commit and don’t think they should have to. They see nothing wrong with keeping their options open, even if it means hurting you. These are some telltale signs that a man is doing that to you, and it’s time to end things.
Here are 7 signs a man sees you as an option, but not a priority:
1. All of the ‘plans’ you make with him are last-minute
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There’s nothing wrong with occasionally making last-minute plans, but if all the time you spend with this guy is carved out in the eleventh hour, he’s clearly not keeping you at the front of his mind. This can really mess with your head, because you might turn down other people who want to hang out as you hold onto the desperate hope that he’ll come around, and then come to regret it.
A big part of being prioritized in a relationship is feeling valued. This will strengthen your personal well-being, as well as the quality of the partnership. If a man only calls you up when he has nothing else to do or no better offers on the table, he doesn’t value you at all.
2. His communication skills are lacking
Similar to always making plans at the last minute, you might also find that this guy is unable to keep in touch as a normal human being would. When you text him, it takes forever for him to respond. When he calls you, you always pick up right away, but the same thing never happens when you call him.
Effective communication is one of the best ways to ensure a relationship is successful, and to mitigate any conflict that may arise. But if a man doesn’t see you as a priority, those things aren’t his priority either. He’s not concerned about a healthy partnership or resolving conflict when he could easily cut his losses and move on to someone else.
3. He doesn’t want to be exclusive
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If you’re way more excited about your relationship than a guy is, there’s a pretty good chance he doesn’t even see it as much of a relationship. You truly are an option to him because you’re just one of multiple women he can choose from.
If you think about it, has it ever felt like he was maybe a little more serious about someone else, but he didn’t want to let you go completely either? Has he told you it won’t work right now, but things will change eventually? When it comes to big events, are you always invited, or is he afraid to show you off as his plus-one?
If he doesn’t want to be exclusive, you don’t have to see it as a betrayal. It probably just means he’s immature and doesn’t know how to make smart decisions. In that case, you’re better off without him.
4. You excuse his behavior
Sometimes a man is quite literally a walking red flag, but it’s still hard to let him go. In that case, you’ll probably find yourself making excuses for all of his flaws. The way he doesn’t show up when you need him most is no big deal. It’s fine that you remember every detail of his life, but he can’t remember a single thing that comes out of your mouth.
It might feel like it’s just easier this way, but covering for him all the time like that is just rationalizing his bad behavior. It’s like trying to take responsibility for his actions, which is not your place at all. It’s better to say goodbye than to be stuck in this toxic pattern.
5. You’re unhappy
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One of the worst things about a man who sees you as an option and not a priority is the way he will be hot and cold. There will be a few moments when he is focused on you that feel like such a gift, and you’ll come to treasure them. Even though you usually feel totally unhappy and are hurting, the good moments will be just enough to convince you to stay.
Research has actually shown that many people who stay in unhappy relationships do so because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. This is pretty twisted, because while you may worry about hurting him, he clearly has no problem hurting you. A few good moments are not enough to sustain a relationship. If you’re not happy, it’s OK to admit it.
6. He blames you if you want better
If you’re trying to make the relationship work and stay together, you might have the courage to stand up for yourself because you know you need more from him. Instead of recognizing how amazing you are (and what a failure he is), he’ll take that opportunity to turn the situation around and blame you, calling you needy.
It is possible to be too needy, but that’s not you if you’re doing the bare minimum and demanding you be treated with the respect you deserve. There’s a good chance he’s just putting you down and acting like you’re the problem, so he doesn’t have to face reality and deal with his actions. That’s inexcusable.
7. Everything about the relationship feels one-sided
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Having a one-sided relationship means one person is putting in all the effort while the other does nothing. And, in this case, that’s you. You’re taking on the full emotional load instead of developing a healthy balance between two people. This is not healthy, and it’s not really a relationship. After all, you need more than one person for it to qualify as such.
When a man sees you as an option, he’s not going to see a need to put in any effort. You’re not the priority, and if you leave, he can always move on to someone else who will put up with this behavior. Don’t let him use you like that.
Lindsey is a writer obsessed with TV and movies, especially “Star Wars” and “Gilmore Girls.” She has previously written for Seventeen, Tiger Beat, and The Frisky.
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