Listening well seems to be a lost art in our society. No one really listens with the intent to understand anymore. Rather, they are simply listening to find out how what’s being said can benefit them.
Couples coach Julia Woods understands this. Woods recently shared signs someone is a selfish listener in an Instagram post.
“Listening is vital to love,” she argued. “Yet, by nature, we humans are selfish listeners.”
While Woods’ advice can be helpful for those in romantic relationships, it can also work in platonic relationships. Friends need to be good listeners just as much as couples do.
Here are three habits of selfish listeners to watch out for:
1. ‘Not asking questions’
Woods said, “When someone tells you something and you don’t ask any questions, you are selfishly listening by assuming you have heard what they said.”
To some this may feel like a no-brainer. If someone listens, then they heard what you said, right?
It turns out that that’s only partly true. A person can’t really take in everything you’re saying if they don’t question you further. This is because of our confirmation bias.
According to VeryWell Mind“Confirmation bias is a type of cognitive bias that favors information that confirms your previously existing beliefs or biases.”
Woods confirmed this is true. “The truth is we never really hear what the other person is saying because their words are filtered through our confirmation bias which deletes, distorts and generalizes what is being said into what we want to hear,” she wrote.
If someone doesn’t ask you questions when they’re listening to you, that means they are taking in the information and allowing their previously held beliefs to take over. This is something we must all actively fight against.
2. ‘Getting defensive’
Circling back and making everything about oneself is always a red flag. The same goes for listening.
“When you get defensive when something is said to you, you are selfishly listening by making what the other person said about you,” Woods said. “When in reality what they are saying is about them, even if they are talking about you.”
BetterHelp noted that getting defensive is a “coping mechanism” used by many for “perceived or actual threats.”
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“Defensive behavior can be influenced by a variety of factors, including trauma and past experiences: These life occurrences might shape how you view the world and your relationships,” they added.
Getting defensive is a sign that someone is choosing to ignore you in a conversation and instead turn everything around to be about themselves. The thing is, Woods said, even if you say something about someone else, you are likely saying something about yourself anyway.
3. ‘Preparing to reply’
Someone being so wrapped up in themselves that they listen to respond instead of to hear is a classic sign of selfish listening.
“When someone is talking to you and you are thinking about what you are going to say in response while they are still talking, you are selfishly listening,” Woods stated. “You are having a conversation with yourself rather than being in a conversation with them.”
Leslie Shore, author of “Listen to Succeed” wrote in her book, per Fast Company“When we begin working on a reply before the speaker is finished, we lose both the complete information being offered and an understanding of the kind of emotion present in the speaker’s delivery.”
While being an active listener may be more difficult, it pays off because it allows someone to show you that they really care about you and what you’re saying — not just themselves.
Watching out for selfish listeners can help you make sure your voice is heard.
If you feel like people aren’t listening to you or maybe aren’t really hearing you, keeping these habits in mind could be helpful.
They can help expose a selfish listener so you can decide if that’s someone you want to keep in your life, and if you do, how you can work through it with them.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
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