Teachers are always talking about having support from student parents, but it’s not always as simple as that. One mom shared the confusing message she got from her daughter Lily’s teacher that sent mixed signals in a Reddit post.
In the message, Lily’s teacher praised her, calling her “an amazing student.” Oddly enough, she also said that she needed to be disciplined because of “defiant behavior.” The mom didn’t know what to make of the message, especially because the behavior the teacher described didn’t really sound all that defiant.
A mom was confused after learning her daughter’s problematic school behavior included giving away an orange.
There are plenty of things a kid can get in trouble for at school, so this mom was surprised when her daughter’s infractions didn’t sound like a big deal. The teacher wrote, “Please talk to Lily about her defiant behavior today. She asked to put a paper boat in a water puddle and I told her she couldn’t. She still did.”
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She continued, “She also took her orange to music class without permission. As a consequence I told her she couldn’t eat it during snack time. She still peeled it and gave it to other students.”
Lily’s teacher concluded the message with a contradictory statement. “Lily is an amazing student,” she said. “I’m not sure what’s going [on]. Thank you for your support.”
Given how strange the situation was, the mom seemed to handle things pretty well.
Some parents might be upset to receive such a confusing message that called out pretty inconsequential behavior, but this mom took it in stride. She provided a bit more information in a comment she added to the post. “She made her own paper boat,” she said of Lily. “She was the only one with a paper boat. It was during recess. She wanted to see if it would float.”
The mother offered additional clarification for the orange incident as well. “She distributed the orange during snack time, not during music class,” she insisted. It could possibly be understood that the teacher didn’t want Lily to hand out her orange to other students, but not allowing her to test a paper boat at recess just feels wrong.
The root of the mom’s confusion came from the fact that Lily didn’t do anything “disrespectful.” In another comment, she shared that she had a bad experience when she was in school herself because her parents gave her private school teachers permission to spank her. This led her to learn “blind compliance” to avoid punishment, something she hoped Lily would never experience.
Experts agree that kids respecting authority figures is a good thing, but they should never learn to do so blindly.
No parent wants to tell their child to go clean their room, and then have them do absolutely anything but that. Kids do have to learn how to treat authority figures, like teachers, with deference. This means listening to them and honoring their rules. However, kids also need to be able to think for themselves and question when instructions are really appropriate.
Teacher Steven Sanger explained that this is where the concept of blind obedience comes in. “When someone knows WHY they’re doing something, they are an agent — they are responsible for their own actions,” he said. “They are self-disciplined — not drones acting without thinking solely because they were told to do so.”
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Sanger cited some historical evidence as a pretty extreme, but also effective example. He pointed to soldiers who followed the unethical commands of party officials and then said that this very fact absolved them of blame, as a reason we can’t just blindly follow authority figures.
Everyone has to learn how to follow directions to be a functioning member of society. But society wouldn’t be able to function if everyone just did what they were told without ever questioning it, either. This mom is right to teach her daughter that it’s OK to think for herself as long as she isn’t disrespectful in the process. She may find herself way ahead of her peers by doing so.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
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