In a recent post to Redditusers discussed the “unspoken” signs associated with someone who had a rough childhood.
While childhood trauma can impact people in a multitude of ways, these Reddit posters agreed there are certain unspoken signs that are shared amongst people with similar struggles.
Considering people with childhood trauma are more likely to struggle with mental and physical conditions in adulthood, it’s important to address the repercussions of a difficult childhood to stop the cycle.
Here are the 7 ‘unspoken’ signs that reveal someone had a rough childhood:
1. They’re hyper-aware of everyone else’s mood and emotions
Hypervigilance is a defense mechanism for children in unstable home environments, as they often need to look outside of themselves to gauge their safety and comfort with the people around them. Whether it was figuring out their parents’ moods or understanding the climate of their living room before entering, they weren’t focused on how they felt and what they needed.
“This is why so many of us struggle with social anxiety,” psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera shared on TikTok. “When we’re in a group of people, all of our energy is spent attuning to or worrying about what other people are thinking or what they’re perceiving about us, instead of attuning to our own internal world.”
Your short-fused social battery could be a sign that your childhood trauma is still lingering and affecting your ability to stay present when interacting with others.
2. They are overly dependent or independent
People who experience hyper-independence or hyper-dependence often had emotionally inept or unavailable parents growing up. Feelings of abandonment or even feeling forced into adulthood as a young child can create a desperate yearning for constant connection or a belief that you are the only person capable of caring, loving, and taking care of yourself.
Especially because these tendencies spark attachment issues, anxiety, and even isolation, it can be difficult for adults plagued by a rough childhood to seek help and recognize their self-sabotage with the people around them.
3. They might have poor hygiene habits
While poor hygiene can often be a result of mental health struggles and conditionsin many cases, children and adults coping with childhood trauma can use their appearance and hygiene as a means of control. Likely one of the only things many children had power over in toxic homes, their hygiene is something defined entirely by themselves.
Studies have shown that poor dental hygiene specifically can be a result of abuse or trauma in the home, especially with young children.
National Cancer Institute / Unsplash
A habitual practice, their hygiene routine often carries into adulthood if left unaddressed and only grows more exacerbated when other factors in their lives become stressful or anxiety-inducing.
4. They apologize excessively
Always cognizant of other people’s emotions and feelings, even at the expense of their own, people with childhood trauma often feel compelled to apologize excessively, even in situations where it’s unwarranted.
In many people’s experiences, this coexists with anxious attachment — they’d rather put up with their own struggles, make other people happy, and people-please their way through relationships than reveal their true emotions, wants, and needs.
It’s why so many adults with unacknowledged or unaddressed childhood trauma struggle to make and maintain healthy connections — romantically, platonically, or with other members of their families.
5. They struggle to commit to romantic love, or they fall in love too quickly
Hand in hand with dependency, many Reddit posters in the thread admitted that their “unspoken” struggles with childhood trauma center around their relationships in adulthood. Whether it’s their marriages, long-term relationships, “situationships,” or random hook-ups, they struggle to create a balance.
Often disconnected from their true emotions, feelings, and needs — and their ability to communicate those to a partner — they struggle to find fulfilling connections or maintain healthy relationships.
“A definitive symptom of childhood trauma is trying to get a difficult person to be good to us,” childhood trauma therapist Patrick Teahan shared in a conversation with Dr. Ramani on TikTok. “In adulthood, their relationships are all about getting that dysfunctional, harmful, difficult, and toxic person to be good to them.”
Others refuse to commit to a partner or connection at all, more concerned with protecting their peace than experimenting or putting their heart on the line. It not only sparks isolation, but it keeps people from healing.
6. They are overly committed to making everyone else comfortable and happy
Instead of working through conflicts in their relationships with a healthy balance, they’re overly concerned with catering to their partners, friends, and acquaintances.
They’re always wondering if everyone else is okay — shifting their personality, setting their own struggles aside, and doing whatever it takes to make everyone else happy, even at their own expense.
Many experts agree that people-pleasing is a technique people use to seek safety in their relationships by “merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others,” according to therapist Pete Walker.
7. They’re constantly self-diagnosing perceived issues
Psychology Today noted that chronic trauma, whether it’s childhood, relational, or otherwise, can make a person “controlling.”
For many people, that can look like toxic relationships, anxious attachment styles, and even narcissistic perspectives on the world — for others, it can be completely internal. When they’re feeling ill, noticing a thought popping up in their mind, or struggling with their mental health, they’re quick to diagnose themselves.
While there’s often some truth to the medicalization and observations they’re making about their behaviors, patterns, or feelings, the root of the self-prescription is needing control over their own bodies and minds. They need an explanation, reason for feeling, and validation of illness to feel respected — or, at the very least, acknowledged.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
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