No matter how much we may love them, most of us come away from time with family feeling emotionally exhausted to some degree. It can be really draining to the point it leaves you feeling like you need a week’s vacation to recover! But what’s behind this is more than just your mom’s hen-pecking or sibling rivalry.
Psychology says time with family is so emotionally exhausting because it takes us back in time.
It’s one of those unavoidable truths of life — your family often will never see you for who you are today, only as who you were back then. That’s especially true of your parents, as well as much older siblings.
I have a brother who’s 13 years older than me, and I used to constantly have to remind him that I was not his “kid” brother anymore. Likewise, our youngest brother has three kids now, but I still think of him as the doofus who ate his boogers in the back of the station wagon! We’re just kind of frozen in time with our relatives.
But psychologists say this goes far beyond just forgetting that we’ve grown up. Our relatives forget who we actually are, to a degree. And that can make spending time with them deeply exhausting, even if we’re close to them and have a loving relationship.
Spending time with our families forces us to revert back to old versions of ourselves.
There’s perhaps no greater example of this than when we go home for the holidays. We’re our regular, capable selves from January through October, but then Thanksgiving or Christmas rolls around, and it’s like we got in a time machine — not only are our families treating us like we’re still a sullen 13-year-old, but we often FEEL like one ourselves.
It’s often said that each member of a family plays some kind of role. The psychological concept of Family Systems Theorydeveloped by psychiatrist Dr. Murray Bowen, views families as a sort of network of interrelated parts.
This means that each “part” — each family member — plays some kind of role that impacts, and is impacted by, the entire system of family dynamics. And, of course, you know what happens with a system — you change one part of it, the whole thing has to adapt.
We humans are basically wired to seek and maintain the status quo, so maintaining that system becomes second nature. Hence, you are pigeonholed into your role as the precocious baby of the family, the flighty underachiever, the golden child, or whatever the case may be, even long after you’ve evolved and changed and grown.
And if your family is a dysfunctional, toxic one, this dependence on the status quo becomes more like life or death, especially because the roles each member plays are even more rigid. If you or anyone else changes, the entire system is thrown into disarray, and since the lifeblood of toxic families is the avoidance of conflict or vulnerability, enforcement of these roles is rigid, too.
Having to pretend to be who you once were is emotionally draining, even in the best circumstances.
The problem with these family systems, of course, is that most of us grow out of those roles as we become adults to one degree or another. Add in more complex issues like religious and political differences or an LGBTQ+ identity, and the whole thing becomes downright fraught.
Even without that added drama, though, it puts us in a sort of “square peg” situation. We feel like our true selves are not being honored or accepted, and we feel we have to compensate by pushing ourselves down in order to avoid conflict — and then often feel guilty for being short or quiet and not enjoying our family time like we think we should.
Psychologists, however, say that these feelings are normal, and the good news is there are ways to navigate them without causing too much of a ruckus. First, therapists say to prepare yourself ahead of time by simply acknowledging these frustrating dynamics are going to happen and, crucially, to remind yourself that you aren’t responsible for managing your family’s emotions — and that they can’t control yours unless you let them.
Trying to take a compassionate approach to both yourself and your family helps, too, therapists say, especially if you’re the sensitive type who becomes a sponge for others’ feelings. This helps lessen the need to be defensive, combative, or to conform in order to appease them.
And finally, they recommend good old self-care practices, whether that’s taking breaks from the family by taking a quick walk or adhering to your normal bedtime routines during visits, for example. Giving yourself the space you need to decompress instead of forcing yourself to conform and endure will help lessen the exhaustion and maybe even allow you to enjoy your family time more.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
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