What is the definition of a happy life for a woman? The question isn’t quite as simple as you might think. Societal pressure often leads girls to believe, from childhood, that the only true way to a happily-ever-after is to find a prince.
Being in our 20s is our first taste of relative freedom. We’ve left the homes we grew up in, maybe even the places we were raised. It’s an era to figure out who we are, what we’re passionate about, and where we want to go. Mindset coach Paige Turner suggested it’s also an important time to discuss love and its impact on the future.
A mindset coach revealed that women who decenter men usually live the happiest lives.
Paige Turner stood at her kitchen counter to make a powerful declaration aimed at young women everywhere: “Don’t build your life around a man.” She shared a disconcerting yet common pattern she’s witnessed from women in their 20s, saying, “What I have seen happen so often is that women will prioritize the men in their lives.”
She dove a little deeper, illustrating what that scenario tends to look like. “They’ll follow them for a job,” she said. “They’ll move to a different state for college. They will do things to prioritize their relationship, and in doing so, they sacrifice their own goals and dreams.”
Turner described the bitter fallout that can occur when women put their boyfriend’s needs before their own, saying, “Oftentimes what happens is, they follow a man across the country, and then they break up.” She spoke from personal experience, noting that the exact situation she’s warning women against happened to her in college.
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“I decided to stay in Boston for college, even though I kind of wanted to move out of state. I was really excited to move out of state, but I didn’t want to risk my relationship,” she said. “Lo and behold, six months into me being in college, he broke up with me and I learned a very hard lesson.”
Healthy relationships require balance.
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Healthy relationships are based on balance and communication. They rely on a give-and-take mentality, acknowledging that sometimes one person’s needs take precedence, but the ultimate goal is to ensure that both partners feel fulfilled.
Turner kept telling truths, offering a warm, direct honesty your best friend might give when it’s late at night and you’re sitting at the kitchen table, a mug of tea cupped between your palms, and you feel like the whole world could be yours, if you just reach out and grab it.
“It is really important to put yourself and your dreams first, not always, but often,” she said, a statement that captures how often women are told to sit down and stay down, to ignore what they want, to think of others, to make themselves small.
Prioritizing men can make women into supporting characters in their own stories, when they deserve so much more.
She explained the deeply entrenched societal mentality surrounding a woman’s worth and purpose, saying, “Women are taught growing up that it’s important to prioritize finding a good man, who’s going to be a great husband, who you can have kids with because our biological clock is ticking.”
“People are pressuring young women to find that man in college, find that man in your 20s, get married, make sure you start having babies by your 30s, and so it feels like we are racing the clock all the time,” she said. “So, when your boyfriend of two years says, ‘I’m moving across the country, wanna come with me,’ you feel like you have to support him,” she concluded.
It’s a way of thinking that positions women at an automatic disadvantage. It’s based on a scarcity mindset, as though love were a limited resource that expires once you turn 30, or 40, or 50.
Turner had a final thought exercise for women to consider. “I urge you to ask yourself this: If I were the person moving across the country, would he follow me? If the answer is no, then that tells you a lot about your partner and the dynamics of your relationship.”
Women are socialized to consider other people’s needs above their own desires. It’s for this reason that we carry the weight of the mental load. It’s why women pay a “motherhood tax” at work after having children, while men reap the benefits of the “dad bonus.”
There’s no earthly reason to settle for mediocrity in the form of a man just because being on your own is scary. And yes, it is scary and can be lonely, but it can also be liberating and exhilarating, letting you know yourself in ways you never thought possible.
Take your 20s for yourself. Use those years to discover what makes you happy, what nourishes you, and what lifts you up. Put yourself first. Revel in your glory. There’s no one holding you down.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango’s news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
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