Moments later, a message arrived: “If you don’t send the money now, they’ll come and bother our parents tomorrow morning.”
Hoang had about VND52 million (US$2,000) in his account, savings he and his wife had spent more than six months setting aside to repair his parents’ leaking tin roof before the rainy season.
Sitting alone in the dark, he transferred the money with trembling hands, then remained awake until morning.
Hoang is the eldest of three siblings. His parents are elderly, his younger brother has gone bankrupt and is deeply in debt, and his sister struggles financially while caring for children with health problems.
Because Hoang has the steadiest income in the family, relatives turn to him whenever trouble arises.
Medicine for his parents, home repairs, medical expenses and his siblings’ debts have gradually become his responsibility.
For years, even seeing a family member’s name appear on his phone has been enough to trigger anxiety over the next financial request.
“I’m not wealthy. Sometimes I barely have enough for my own household,” he says. “But when my family asks for help, I feel like I can’t say no.”
The more responsibility he took on, however, the more trapped he became.
Money set aside for his wife and children repeatedly had to be redirected, while his own plans were postponed.
Some nights, after calculating loans, school fees and household expenses, he realized there was simply not enough money left.
Arguments with his wife became more frequent.
Over time, Hoang withdrew from those around him and began harming himself as a way to cope with mounting distress.
He eventually sought help from psychologist Nguyen Thi Huong Lan, head of psychology at BHIU Training Institute under Bac Ha International University, and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder linked to prolonged stress.
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Many middle-aged adults support aging parents while also shouldering the financial problems and debts of their siblings. Photo by Thuy Quynh |
Minh, 38, from Hanoi, developed similar symptoms.
Whenever her father called or messaged, she would experience trembling, sweating and severe stomach discomfort.
As the eldest child and the most financially secure in her family, Minh had long given her parents money as part of what she saw as her responsibility as a daughter.
But after her father’s business collapsed, he was left owing billions of dong.
Although he sold some assets, he was still unable to repay debts to relatives and a bank.
When repayment deadlines approached, he sometimes borrowed from informal lenders, leaving him under constant pressure from creditors.
He repeatedly turned to Minh, crying and asking her to pay off his debts, while promising to reimburse her once he sold his house.
Minh gradually became withdrawn, exhausted and hopeless.
She eventually began thinking about ending her life because she felt incapable of rescuing her family from debt or protecting her parents from suffering.
After being admitted to a psychiatric hospital, she was diagnosed with depression.
Mental health specialists say they are seeing more patients aged 35-50 whose psychological crises are linked to prolonged family financial pressure.
Dr. Nguyen Viet Chung of E Hospital in Hanoi describes many of them as part of the “sandwich generation”: adults simultaneously raising children, supporting elderly parents without pensions and, in some cases, absorbing debts created by siblings or other relatives.
Such cases may go far beyond ordinary stress.
Prolonged exposure to repeated financial crises can contribute to adjustment disorders, anxiety and major depression, specialists say.
From a biological perspective, chronic stress repeatedly activates the body’s stress-response system and keeps cortisol levels elevated.
Over time, this can affect sleep, concentration, memory and emotional regulation, leaving people exhausted, anxious and increasingly unable to experience pleasure.
One of the more worrying but often hidden behaviors in this group is self-injury.
Although self-harm is commonly associated with adolescents, clinicians say some middle-aged breadwinners also turn to it in secret after years of suppressing distress.
Lan says physical pain can briefly distract the brain from overwhelming emotional pain, but the effect is temporary and potentially dangerous.
Over time, people may require increasingly extreme behavior to achieve the same sense of relief, while persistent financial pressure and emotional manipulation can raise the risk of suicidal behavior.
According to Lan, a major factor behind these crises is a pattern of repeated financial rescue within families.
In many households, the person seen as the most capable or financially stable is expected to step in whenever another relative faces debt, gambling losses or other problems.
While such help is often motivated by affection and responsibility, repeatedly covering someone else’s losses can prevent that person from facing the consequences of their decisions and reinforce dependence.
Problems can worsen when the breadwinner tries to stop.
Family members may respond with fear, obligation and guilt, accusing that person of being selfish or uncaring.
As a result, some continue handing over savings not because they believe the support is sustainable, but because they cannot tolerate the guilt of saying no.
Mental health specialists say recovery therefore requires more than medication alone.
People experiencing persistent insomnia, repeated panic symptoms, severe anxiety when family members call or thoughts of self-harm should seek professional mental health care.
At the same time, they may need to rethink what financial responsibility toward relatives means.
Refusing to repay another adult’s debts is not necessarily a sign of indifference, specialists say. In some cases, setting limits may be the only way to stop a damaging pattern of dependence.
Essential funds, including children’s education savings, retirement money and medical reserves, should not routinely be used to cover another adult’s financial mistakes.
Setting boundaries may also mean accepting temporary criticism from relatives.
After four months of outpatient treatment, Hoang now sleeps five to six hours a night and has not harmed himself for three months.
His psychologist says the biggest turning point was not medication but the moment he finally sent his younger brother a message saying: “I’m stopping here.”
“For someone carrying the weight of an entire extended family, protecting their own mental health has to come first,” Lan says. “Only then can they continue helping anyone else.”