Ways to overcome the pain of breakup
I am 27 years old and was in a relationship for the last three years. Last year, my partner suddenly ended the relationship saying that he did not see a future in the relationship. I thought I would get better with time, but even after six months had passed, I could not get out of this pain.
Earlier I was very sociable, but now I don't feel like meeting friends. After returning home from office, I sit alone for hours. Many times I start crying after reading his old messages and wonder what was lacking in me that he left me.
What I fear most is that I may never find love like this again. I am not able to forget this relationship. What should I do?
expert opinion
expert: Dr. Drona Sharma, Consultant Psychiatrist, Ireland and UK.
Breaking a relationship of three years is not easy
It is important to understand that it is natural to feel sadness, emptiness, and sadness over the breakup of a three-year relationship. The end of a close relationship is sometimes like losing a loved one.
In your case, it is important that the breakup happened suddenly and the reason for his decision was not clear to you. She only said that she did not see a future in the relationship.
But what did it mean? Was he confused about marriage? Were your thoughts different about children, career or living space? Were there any family related problems? Or was he himself unhappy in this relationship?
Most importantly, has he ever opened up to you about his problems before? If this did not happen, then you did not get enough opportunity to understand the end of that relationship.
Blaming yourself can make the problem worse
After a breakup, when the reasons are not clear, the person often starts looking for shortcomings in himself. This question is coming to your mind again and again-'What was lacking in me?'
But this question needs to be changed a bit. ask yourself-'Do I have any concrete evidence that the relationship ended only because of some fault of mine?'
You may have made some mistakes in the relationship, but the end of a relationship is not always one person's fault. If your partner did not share his problems, it was difficult for you to understand him.
Can prolonged sadness be a sign of depression?
It is important to understand a medical distinction here. Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) is a formal mental health diagnosis, used primarily in the context of grief that persists for a long time after a person's death.
However, prolonged grief after a breakup, recurring thoughts about the same incident, withdrawal from social activities and loss of interest in other parts of life can take a toll on mental health.
In your case, being socially isolated even after six months, sitting alone for hours and crying repeatedly after reading old messages is a situation that should not be ignored.
Is it sadness of breakup or depression?
It is not right to diagnose depression on your own based on these symptoms. But you can focus on your experiences of the last two weeks.
If your grief revolves primarily around the person, the breakup, and related issues, but you sometimes feel happy or interested in other parts of your life, this may be part of the grief and adjustment that occurs after a breakup.
but if-
- Feeling sad or lacking interest in almost everything.
- Distance from friends and family is continuously increasing.
- There is a major change in sleep or appetite.
- Feel tired or lack of energy all the time.
- It is becoming difficult to concentrate on work.
- Feel worthless or disappointed.
- There are constant negative thoughts about the future.
So it may be necessary to seek professional help.
4 week CBT-based plan to recover from breakup
Week 1: 'Why did he leave me?' change the question
Make three columns on a paper—
- what i know
- what he actually said
- what i'm guessing
For example-
Fact: She said that she did not see a future in the relationship.
Estimate: It means there was something lacking in me.
Keep in mind, these two things are not the same.
After this, review your three-year relationship honestly.
ask yourself-
- What did I do well in the relationship?
- What were my mistakes?
- Did I try to understand his needs?
- Did I avoid disagreement or conflict?
- Are there any behaviors I would like to change in future relationships?
The purpose of this exercise is not to prove oneself completely right. Its purpose is to understand one's real responsibility.
Week Two: Challenge Self-Blame
Whenever it comes to your mind-'What was lacking in me?'
So ask yourself-'Why am I thinking this? What evidence do I have for this idea?'
If he has been struggling with something for a long time, he should have shared his feelings and concerns with you.
It is also possible that some of his concerns may have been justified. But without knowing his complete situation, it would not be right to draw any firm conclusions about his intentions or personality.
Stay away from old messages
It is not necessary to delete old messages. But keep them away from your sight for some time.
Make a goal for the next seven days that you will not read old messages.
Its purpose is not to erase memories. The aim is only to break that mental loop in which you return to the same old conversations and the same pain again and again.
Week 3: Make your life great again
One of the most important things after a breakup is to understand that Your identity is not limited to just that relationship.
Gradually make space for other things in your life.
- Talk to at least two friends on the phone every week.
- Meet at least one friend.
- Do some physical activity for 30 minutes about three days a week.
- Resume a hobby you enjoyed before the relationship.
- Start a new activity that has nothing to do with that person.
- Plan the coming week on Sunday.
The most important thing-Don't wait for the mood to improve.
Week 4: Learn lessons for your next relationship
Now the question should not be-'Next time how do I become such that no one leaves me?'
Instead the question should be –'Next time how will we both openly discuss the problems in our relationship?'
In any future serious relationship, it is important to discuss these issues from the beginning-
- How do we resolve differences when they arise?
- If one person is having trouble in the relationship, will he or she open up?
- What do both of them think about marriage?
- What are your thoughts regarding children?
- What are your plans regarding career and living space?
- Do we avoid difficult conversations or face them?
Love alone is not necessary in a healthy relationship. Equally important are communication, trust, respect and the ability to discuss difficult situations openly.
Most important thing: Your goal is not to stop someone by changing yourself.
The end of a relationship does not always prove that you are flawed.
Yes, something should be learned from every relationship. You should recognize your mistakes and change your behavior where necessary. But changing yourself just out of fear that the next person will leave you is not a healthy way to do it.
You need a relationship where both people can talk openly about their problems, hopes and future.
When should one seek professional help?
If after six months your grief continues to affect your everyday life, work, sleep, social relationships, or your happiness, consider seeking medical attention. psychologist, counselor or psychiatrist It may be helpful to talk to.
Seeking help is not weakness. Sometimes, getting out of a relationship requires not only time, but also understanding and dealing with your emotions in the right way.
And the most important thing-Just because one person leaves you doesn't eliminate the possibility of love for the rest of your life.