The house went silent. The child stood next to the pile of broken glass, eyes teary. Huong stood there, kitchen towel in hand, not knowing what to do next. “I felt like I could not take it anymore”, she says.
That evening, she got home late, exhausted, wanting to put her bag down and rest. However, her two children were waiting for food, and so she got changed and went into the kitchen.
While cooking, the woman urged her oldest child to do their homework, and comforted the younger one, who was cranky after several restless nights.
The glass fell to the ground as she was cleaning. The sound of it shattering hit breaking point for her after a day of trying to keep everything in order. She snapped at her children, only to be consumed by guilt just minutes later. “I blamed myself for losing my temper, and failing to be gentle, the way parenting guides always advise”, she says.
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Illustration photo from Peachtree Wellness Solutions |
Thanh, 43, was raising her three children with a single goal: all three had to attend schools for the gifted, get into top universities, and work for prestigious organizations. After work, she would take her children, in 9th, 6th, and 2nd grades, to cram schools, wait for them and get home at 10 pm to eat, shower and clean.
On the days she had night shift at work, she would stay up until 2 am and remain awake afterwards because her mind would be filled with unfinished and to-do tasks. Eventually, she developed insomnia and chronic stress, frequently getting angry and irritated, creating a tense home atmosphere where family members avoided interactions with her.
After visiting the Bach Mai Mental Health Institute, she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and had to be treated with medication and therapy. Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as parental burnout and parenting perfectionism. More importantly, a mother does not necessarily need to be overworked to reach this state; it can be self-imposed.
Every time a child falls ill, underperforms at school, or encounters a problem, some mothers view themselves as failures.
A 2021 survey on motherhood in by Motherly found 93% of mothers had at least once felt burnt out by the pressure of child rearing; 16% said they always felt this way.
A study by Mary Washington University in the U.S. found that women who believe in “intensive parenting” – making their child the center of parenting – are more likely to develop depression and have lower life satisfaction.
At the root of the problem lie expectations. Society expects women to fulfill every role, much like the ideal of being “capable in public affairs and adept at household duties”, especially when it comes to understanding and raising children.
This expectation is gradually internalized and becomes self-imposed pressure. When a mother believes she must do everything well for her child to thrive, she attributes every challenge the child faces to her own shortcomings, experts say.
Thus, if the child is a picky eater, she thinks she has failed at caregiving, if it struggles at school, she feels she has not provided proper guidance, and any tantrums cause her to wonder where she went wrong.
Dr. Bui Pham Minh Man at the University Medical Center HCMC (Facility 3) says most women choose to push ahead with tasks rather than admit they are overwhelmed. Unaddressed chronic stress causes both physical and mental exhaustion. Late nights, irregular meals, and lack of exercise and personal space cause burnout to progress silently.
Medically, this is a state of physical and emotional exhaustion caused by prolonged stress. It presents through insomnia, musculoskeletal pain, forgetfulness, difficulties in concentrating and digestive issues. In severe cases, it can lead to anxiety, irritability, and a sense of emptiness.
Both Huong and Thanh sought medical care and were diagnosed with sleep disorders.
Thanh was prescribed medication to aid sleep and ease anxiety. “Even trivial worries are enough to keep me awake and spiral into endless thoughts,” she told her doctor.
After spending many years researching women’s issues, Bui Thi An, president of the Hanoi Association of Female Intellectuals, respects a mother’s sacrifices but rejects an extreme interpretation of it.
“Sacrifice does not mean a mother must forfeit her entire life, her dreams, and her right to her own happiness.”
Boundless sacrifice also hurts the child, who either comes to take the mother’s labor for granted or shoulders the heavy weight of her expectations, she warns.
The way forward begins when a mother allows herself to rest.
Adali, a Beijing-based child psychologist writing for Marriage and Family magazine, recommends three practical steps: reserve at least half a day each week completely free from household and childcare responsibilities; make a clear list of tasks and divide them more equally with a partner; and broaden the support network by hiring occasional domestic help, buying prepared meals or connecting with other mothers for emotional support.
Adali summarizes them with the core principle: “A good mother is not one who does everything for her child, but one who provides them with love, self-confidence, and independence.”
In Huong’s kitchen, the broken glass meant more than just a minor accident; it indicated the breaking point of a woman who had carried the load alone for too long.
“The more a mother sacrifices, the less time she has for herself, and this is the fastest way to lose one’s life,” Adali says. “Only a happy mother can raise happy children.”